Ren and Stimpy Scripts by Mike Bunker
Big House Blues
It starts on some weird blue and purple swirling design, but fades away to Ren at a control panel facing the audience.
Ren: (Distorted) At last I have control of your tv set, are you recieving me?
It cuts away to show them in some old boarded up room. Stimpy is nearby at a control panel with a weird helmet on.
Stimpy: ...thousands of miles below the Earth's crust!
Ren: Shut up, you fool! How do we know we can trust... them? (Ren looks at the audience)
Stimpy: We could make 'em take the oath!
Ren: Perfect! The oath! Put your hand on the tv screen, and repeat after me... (Stimpy palces his hand on "their side" of the tv screen so oyu can see his palm)
"I do hereby promise only to watch The Ren and Stimpy Show, (moans happily) to make underleg noises during the good scenes, to wear unwashed lederhosen every single day of the rest of my life!" That's it, you're in our secret club! All right, Stimpy, they're ok, show 'em the stuff.
Stimpy: Uh, congradulations, and-
Ren: Shut up and show 'em.
Stimpy: I'm showin' 'em, I'm showin' 'em! Okay, kids, it's time for a secret cartoon!
Stimpy pulls his helmet over his face (it looks like a tv screen) and adjusts the knobs, trying to get a picture. The screen fades to the title card for Big House Blues, which has Ren and Stimpy (both colored blue for some reason) backing up against a brick wall with a spotlight on them.
Narrator: Now believe it or, and I've been known to lie, but this here's a true story. Now, the desire for food sometimes makes strange bedfellers. And that's where Ren Hoke and Stimpy come in. (The camera closes in on Ren and Stimpy, both sitting in the street looking hungry)
Ren turns to the camera and says "That's Ho-ek, you idiot, not 'Hoke'!"
Narrator: (We see a painting of a number of chihuahuas surrounding a cat who is in a tarpit as it rams one of the chihuahua's heads against a tree) Natural enemies in the wild, the cat and asthma hound chihuahua (we see a picture of Ren and Stimpy holding hands and standing in front of a man who looks more like a mountain (He even has trees on the top of his head) with a sign pointing to him that says adversity) banded together in the face of adversity. Now, old man hunger was just a-gnawing at their bellies.
We see Old Man Hunger chewing on Ren and Stimpy's bellies. Next, Ren and Stimyp are in the park. A piece of bread lands in front of them and they grab it and start chewing on it.
Narrator: Why, Heck, even a dad-gum crust of bread could look mighty appetizing...
We see a large pigeon standing next to Ren and Stimpy, beating a piece of leather against his palm.
Narrator: ... 'ceptin' o' course if it happened to be some other feller's lunch, and old man pigeon wasn't about to give up his meal...
Ren and Stimpy stick out their tongues and the pigeon picks the food off of them. Next, it's raining and Stimpy is sitting on a drain holding Ren.
Narrator: Well, it looks like old man lady luck just about run out on these two fellas. But always remember, when the black, hoary clouds of despair darken your doorstep, look for that one ray of hope, come a-shinin' down from above!
The screen brightens as the clouds move away and the sun shines on Ren and Stimpy as "Hallelluia" plays. They look up at it as their eyes widen... and then they get hit by a truck. The door pops open and we see it's the Dog Catcher, who was apparently the narrator.
Dog Catcher: Hot diggety dog! I filled my quota for the day!
The Dog Catcher whips out a spatula and peels Ren and Stimpy off the sidewalk and drives off to the pound. It cuts to a shot of outside the pound, which looks like a prison. A truck outside says "PAIN" on it. It zooms to a shot of the Dog Catcher's office, Ren and Stimpy are in it.
Dog Catcher: You boys are gonna like this place. We're gonna have a lot of fun, here. You boys LIKE to hvae fun, don't you??? (The Dog Catcher grins evilly and starts to drool)
Ren and Stimpy smile and sweat and nod their heads very quickly.
Dog Catcher: Well, go ahead, have fun! (Dog Catcher puts party hats on them)
Ren and Stimpy shrug at each other.
It cuts to a shot of Ren and Stimpy with a number of dogs, all dancing or drinking or relaxing and having a good time. Phil comes up to Ren and Stimpy.
Phil: Yea, this is the life! A square meal a day, a roof over your head, whaddya think, boys?
Ren and Stimpy: Yes, food, shelter...
Phil: Yea, nothing can go wrong here! Take it from Phil!
Suddenly, the Dog Catcher grabs Phil's hat and pulls him out of the cage. He leads Phil down a hall as other dogs watch. Ren turns to Jasper.
Ren: Hey, Jasper, where they takin' Phil?
Jasper: He's going to sleep!
Ren: Oh, great, I could use a nap myself.
Ren grabs Stimyp and fluffs him like a pillow, then falls asleep on his gut.
The next day, Ren is talking to Jasper again.
Ren: Hey, Jasper, where's Phil?
Jasper: I told you, they put him to sleep!
Ren: So wake him up!
Jasper: You don't wake up, not from the BIG sleep...
Ren smiles and thinks to himself for a second, then suddenly he screams and starts panting and crying. Stimpy goes over to him.
Stimpy: What's the big sleep, Ren?
Ren has Stimpy lean over to his ear and says: He's....... DEAD! DEAD, YOU IDIOT! YOU KNOW WHAT DEAD IS??? Just like we'll be if we don't get out of here!!!
Ren collapses onto Stimpy, crying and slamming his fists against Stimpy's back.
It goes to a shot of Ren and Stimpy sitting in a cell. Stimpy makes a weird burbling noise occasionally, and Ren moans and fidgets. Finally, Stimpy looks like he's about to throw up.
Ren: Whaaaat? (Stimpy is trying to choke back a hairball) Don't do it, man!
Stimpy swallows hard, but cannot help himself, and barfs up a pile of hairballs on Ren. Ren leaps onto Stimpy's feet and thinks "I'm covered in hairballs!" and starts smacking the daylights out of him. They don't even notice the Doc Catcher approaching their cell...
Just as the catcher is about to grab them, a little girl pops in between his legs and shouts "Mommy, mommy, I want the cute little poodle!" She thinks Ren is a poodle, because the hairballs on him looks like fur. Ren notices this and smiles and wags his tail. The dog catcher grabs him and gives him to the little girl.
Ren: (Ren does his crazy cackle like at the end of Marooned) I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive I'm out of here, Jack! (Ren smiles and points to Stimpy, but notices Stimpy is still in the cage and is waving goodbye. Ren groans and leaps out of the girl's arms) STOP! You can't have me, unless you take Stimpy, too!
The girl thinks about this for a bit as Ren prays "Oh please please God!" and says "OK!" Stimpy goes flying out of the cage and lands on Ren.
Back at the girl's house, Ren and Stimpy go inside but run into the girl's mother.
Mother: Oh just look at you cute little things! And what's this? (She takes a blue sweater and shoves it on Ren, it's afar too large for him to move comfortably in, but it fits) And do we have a gift for our big, brainless kitty? Of course we do, yes! (She takes a litterbox and places it in front of Ren and Stimpy.
Stimpy: My first material possession! Oh joy!
Stimpy shoves the litterbox against his chest, but Ren was between him and the litterbox so Ren was shoved into it.
Stimpy: I can hardly wait to try it!
It irises out on Ren poking his head out of the box and coughing out litter.
