Ren and Stimpy Scripts by Mike Bunker
Marooned
Stimpy reading a tv book.
Stimpy: Oh joy! Hey Ren! It's Commander Hoek and Stimpy! (Grabs Ren and puts the book on his head, then starts rubbing it around) My favorite live action drama! Happy happy happy, joy joy joy!
Stimpy runs OC and returns wearing a Cadet Stimpy uniform.
Stimpy: "Don't let it start! Don't let it start! Roger, A-OK, all sys-" Stimpy is interrupted by the announcer.
Announcer: All systems go! 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 Blastoff to adventure in the amazing year 400 billion with Commander Hoek and his faithful companion Cadet Stimpy! As they roam the endless uncharted reaches of space at speeds so fantastic they throttle the imagination!
Ren: Prepare to surge to sublight speed! (Presses button, they start going much faster, engines glow and sirens blair)
Ren: En....gage!
They zoom off at an incredibly high speed screaming all the way.
Episode starts:
Announcer: Ok, space cadets! Prepare to hurtle through the cosmos in today's turgid episode!
We see a spaceship hurtling towards a planet. Ren and Stimpy are at the controls. layers peel off until ship is skeletonized.Finally crashes. CH/CS climb out and dust themselves off.
Ren: Man, It's a good thing that planet was there, or we never would've stopped! We'd better call Space Command.
Both whip out radio-type equipment, try to get frequency. "Calling Space Command, come in, do you read?" They hear Mr. Horse saying 'No sir I didn't like it.' and a voice saying 'Aw, cripes!'
Ren: Well, that's it. Our space time disruptor is melted. We can't leave by our own power, and it could be centuries before another ship violates this sector. (Grabs Stimpy) We're marooned!
Stimpy: Just like the title of this cartoon!
Ren growls and slaps Stimpy.
Ren: Well, there's no use crying over spilt mitochondria. I'm afraid this is a test of survival!
Stimpy: Survival? Science officer Stimpy to the rescue! Look, cap'n, I brought my trusty space cadet handbook! It tells you everything you need to know about survival!
Ren: The space cadet handbook! Of course! Stimpy, sometimes your wealth of ignorance astounds me!
Stimpy: Duh, they don't call me stupid for nothing. (Sound of cans rattling around as Stimpy moves his head) So, let's scout around.
Ren: You fool! We can't just wander around like idiots! We'd better see what the prime directive has to say about alien worlds!
Stimpy reads book and says: The prime directive!... It says to.... scout around!
Ren: Great! Let's go! (Pulls up pants)
Stimpy pulls up pants to his elbows and starts walking.
End scene
Shows Ren and Stimpy climbing over a hill, at the top they look down and see a really surreal landscape with trees that have eyes growing on them and things floating in midair and giant spider webs.
Ren: Man, we've been scouting for weeks! I'm starved! What are we gonna do about food? Hey! Get the space cadet handbook!
Stimpy: Duh, I can do it! (Gets book, reads) Joy! (Starts to eat book)
Ren grabs the book and says "Read it, numbskull, don't eat it!"
Ren: Well? What does it say?
Stimpy: It says we'd better perform some tests before eating any indig-e-o-nous fauna.
Stimpy points his tricorder at various things, saying 'interesting' and 'well I'll be', including a five eyed frog that burps at him.
Ren: Well, did you find anything out?
Stimpy: You bet I did! (He points it at Ren, it beeps madly) This thing makes the coolest noises!
The tricorder pauses and wails like a dog, then 'dies'. Ren signals Stimpy to lean over towards him, then he grabs Stimpy's nose and lets it snap back onto his face.
End scene
Ren is sitting at a table-like rock with a knife and fork.
Ren: Stimpy, where's my dinner?
Stimpy brings over a tray and sets it in front of him.
Ren: What are we having?
Stimpy: Space cabbage!
Ren: Is it stinky?
Stimpy: Just how you like it!
Ren: Woo woo hoo!
Stimpy opens tray to reveal a large, steaming head of cabbage.
Ren: Now that's what I call a head of cabbage! Stimpy, my boy, I've misjudged you. You're ok in my book.
Ren picks up the space cabbage with his fork, but as he does, it opens up and bites him!
Ren walks over to Stimpy, headcabbage still on his head, and smacks him a number of times.
End scene
We see a tent, Ren and Stimpy are inside in their sleeping bags.
Ren yawns and turns out the light.
Ren: Goodnight, Stimpy.
Stimpy: Goodnight, Ren.
:
Stimpy tries to sleep but a light soon glides over his face. He gets up and looks outside.
Stimpy: Oh my! Hey Ren, wake up! The moon is out! Aw, come on! Come on, Ren, wake up and see the moon! It's beautiful!
Ren: Are you nuts? What? What's going on? I was just dozing off. All right, all right, where's this moon?
Ren walks outside and yells as he bumps into something. We see the moon is out, right outside their tent! Ren bumped into it as he walked outside.
We see an oddly-textured bump on top of Ren's head as he says "That ought to put a stop to your hijinx!" The camera pans over and we see Stimpy in a straightjacket.
End scene
Ren and Stimpy are sleeping in their tent. Suddenly we hear a knock.
Ren: Stimpy, go answer the flap.
Stimpy continues to sleep, Ren gets up and answers it himself.
Ren: Who the he- AUGH! (Ren's eyes bulge and the irises take the shape of hearts.
We see a hot (at least to Ren) female chihuahua standing outside (voiced by Cheryl Chase)
Chihuahua: Hello. (Holds up cup) Can you spare a cup of protoplasm, huh?
Stimpy wakes up and looks outside. His eyes turn to hearts too. We see Ren grabbing a bag of kitty litter and saying "Oh, baby! I love you!" Stimpy pauses to think about this. They are both apparently supposed to be hallucinating, seeing what they miss the most when it's not really there. Suddenly, the chihuahua Ren is holding morphs into a large green tentacle and grabs Ren.
Ren: Help! Lemme go!
Stimpy: Ren! I'll save ya!
Stimpy tries to pull Ren off the tentacle, it grabs him too. Tentacle is sucked into a purple elephant-trunk like thing with Ren and Stimpy on the end, it rises into the air and we see a gigantic yellow eye looking at them. Camera pans out and we see two hideous creatures. The smaller one lifts them over the larger one's head and drops them into an opening. They fall and land apparently in it's stomach.
The rest of the episode from here on out is available as a wave file.
Ren and Stimpy grab each other and start shaking. Suddenly, a horde of hideously mutated creatures start swarming at them (they apparently thrive inside the monster's stomach).
Stimpy: Oh, Captain Hoek! Whatever shall we do?
Ren: The book, Stimpy! The book!
Stimpy: The book? The book! Yes, the book!
Stimpy pulls out the Space Cadet Handbook and reads it.
Ren: Well, what does it say?
Stimpy: It says... we're doomed!
Ren: Give me that!
Ren grabs the book and looks at it. Stimpy smiles at Ren as Ren makes a weird wheezing sound and starts smacking Stimpy with it as he cackles insanely. It fades to black as the creatures close in for the kill...