In Search of the Family Church

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<B>A</B><B>s families seek to conform to a more biblical pattern for worship in the church, there is an almost inevitable conflict with the established, traditional structures and those who wish to preserve them. We must be careful to deal with these conflicts in a scriptural manner and with a humble spirit. Pastors and other church leaders who may resist a family-based church model are brothers in the Lord and should be treated as such. What follows is an account of our personal experience as God </B><B>led us away from the age-segregated structure of church to united family worship. I do not claim that we were right in each thing that we did or how we handled every situation, nor is it my intention to be critical of anyone. I write this to both encourage and warn those who are following God's leading in this area. The waters can often become stormy, but like a sailor aboard a struggling vessel, if we would reach the safety of the harbor, it is the light of truth that will guide us there. "Thy word is a lamp unto me feet and a light unto my path" (Ps. 119:105).</B></div> <div> <B>We were deeply involved in our local church which we had attended for 11 years. I was a deacon and teacher of the adult Sunday School class. My wife headed up the nursery ministry. Together we led the junior church program, along with our oldest son as a helper and the rest of our children among the students. I led a Wednesday evening Bible study for teens. One Sunday each month we also led the nursing home ministry. By all outward appearances we were the committed Christian family dedicated to serving the Lord through the local church. We were among "the faithful."</B></div> <div> <B>Into this apparently idyllic picture came a few other events: special programs aimed at exciting the children or entertaining the youth before hitting them with a gospel message. We found ourselves being swept along with the current of "service" in the name of evangelism, church involvement, and Christian duty.</B></div> <div> <B>In the midst of all this activity, we began to recognize that something was missing. "What are we really accomplishing?" we wondered. We looked at the junior church and saw enthusiasm for prizes offered and delight with snacks and drinks. Meanwhile, negative influences were being exchanged like baseball cards, each child eager to hear what another has, and all more than willing to share. Our own children would come home from Sunday School asking if ____ was a bad word, or why we can't watch such and such PG13 movie. We increasingly saw that parents were using church programs to sidestep their personal discipling responsibility with their children. Something was definitely wrong with this picture.</B></div> <div> <B>We began to see ourselves as caretakers of other people's children, while often having to give our own children over to others. In the process, what we were trying to build up at home was being undermined at church. This certainly was not intentional; it just happened.</B></div> <div> <B>I am thankful that there were some saved as a result of these ministries. Yet as we thought back through the years of those who had passed through "the system," we realized that few grew up to establish Christian homes of their own. Very few of the children became spiritual teens. What we had was the illusion of an effective children's ministry, with the reality of long term failure. Lives seemed to be unaffected by the teaching and hindered by negative influences all along the way. We were trying to paddle the boat up river while the current was sweeping us down river. Along with our church family, we thought we were digging a foundation upon which we could build, but in reality it was a rut we unthinkingly followed without consideration of where it had already led others.</B></div> <div> <B>We decided to withdraw from leading the junior church program. When a Sunday night junior church was established we declined involvement. Later we decided that many of the influences our children were receiving in Sunday School were counterproductive to what we were doing in our home. We took the step of pulling our children out of Sunday School and having them sit with my wife in the adult class I was teaching. At the time we were making these adjustment in our lives our church was also in the midst of difficult change. The pastor resigned and we came under the authority of several deacons who now had oversight of the ministry. Having been so involved in the church programs previously, the changes we were making in our family now undoubtedly created further confusion within our church fellowship.</B></div> <div> <B>I discussed our concerns and observations about the children's ministry with one of the men in leadership and informed him that our children would sit together with my wife in the adult class. This was viewed as unsupportive of the church program and upsetting to the fragile unity that remained after losing a pastor. Although we were free to do with our family as we wished, I would not be allowed to serve as a teacher of the adult class unless we cooperated with the age-segregated structure of the Sunday School. I stepped aside from my teaching position. Beyond this restriction, preaching in the absence of a pastor, a privilege I had enjoyed previously, was also withheld. The reason for this restriction was the concern that the influence of our family's conviction of remaining together for worship would be spread to others. We began having Sunday School with our own family at home and attended only the worship service. These "Sunday Schools" were some of the most productive times we have had together as a family.</B></div> <div> <B>In the process of time, other divisions resulted in the dwindling of our church family. It was a time of great discouragement for all. At one point I was asked to consider becoming the pastor by the remaining men of the church. In a series of meetings with these men, I explained my vision for a family-oriented approach to the ministry. The number of men dwindled further, apparently over disagreement with this perceived direction, should I be chosen to lead. Was I destroying this church? I knew our convictions were from the Lord and were well founded upon Scripture, yet it seemed that these very convictions were at the root of much of the division.</B></div> <div> <B>Eventually I received a letter of full support from the remaining men for me as pastor and for the family-oriented vision God had given me. Upon the request of these men, I prepared a presentation to the rest of the church for this new direction. Upon the review of this by the men of the church, however, they reconsidered their support and expressed grave concerns about the family-centered approach, stating that it was all too "overwhelming." Realizing that the support had vanished, I withdrew from consideration as pastor and thanked the Lord for sparing me the heartache that would have undoubtedly come later. The remaining men formed a pulpit committee in search of an interim pastor.</B></div> <div> <B>By this time we had a very strong desire to separate from our church and either start a new work or find a church family that shared our convictions. Whether the lack of peace to do this was from the Lord or just a reluctance to make a major move, I don't really know. In any case, we remained in our church. When an interim pastor was called he was advised of our views on church and family. He too saw our convictions as "severe," and relieved me of one of my remaining responsibilities: preparing the church bulletin. The reason for this was sounding very familiar to us by now: the concern that we might use the bulletin as a means of communicating an influence contrary to the church's philosophy. We were permitted to continue leading the nursing home ministry as it presented no opportunity to influence others in the church.</B></div> <div> <B>Eventually the church called a full-time pastor who from the beginning pursued a traditional approach. He was gracious and kind to us, but he saw our views as extreme. We again had a strong desire to leave our church, but after much prayer sensed no leading of the Lord to do so. We continued praying for God's direction and for grace not to develop a bitter spirit.</B></div> <div> <B>About nine months into his pastorate the pastor agreed to attend a Back to Patriarchy conference with us and one other family in the church who had similar views as we do. His purpose in attending, he jokingly told us later, was to find out where we got our "whacked out ideas." While the conference did not emphasize families staying together for worship, it was mentioned, and the underlying principles of Scripture were plainly and powerfully taught.</B></div> <div> <B>I was both shocked and elated when following this meeting our pastor said that he believed he had seen what God wanted him to do in the church. He immediately (and perhaps unwisely, without counsel) eliminated all age-segregated programs and we began having a family class. I was asked to teach this class. Now I knew why God had not given us peace about leaving earlier. For days I literally felt as though I was walking on air. The ways of God are past finding out, as we would soon discover.</B></div> <div> <B>Ten weeks later, during a conference in our church, the guest speaker made a strong statement against home schooling and its relationship to the local church. Many Christian leaders and ministries which held differing views on controversial matters from the speaker were also scorned. It so happened that this speaker was from the same Bible college as our pastor. In attendance at these meetings were several other pastor alumni of this same school. One meeting took on the atmosphere of a pep rally as these pastors added their "Amen" and "Preach it brother" to the systematic attacks on other brothers and ministries. I left that meeting shell shocked.</B></div> <div> <B>One week following this meeting, the pastor informed me that he would be taking over the family class, and that a return to a traditional age-segregated approach, along with the previously abandoned Sunday School and youth group, would be pursued in the near future. Involving our children in the youth group and Sunday School would also be required in order to be considered for any position such as teacher or deacon. Further, we again received the now redundant caution: we were welcome to attend but were not to influence others with our "homeschool movement philosophy."</B></div> <div> <B>In view of this dramatic change in direction, and realizing that the pastor was now committed to the age-segregated structure, we realized that our family was moved to the fringes as far as service in the church was concerned. Further, the caution not to influence others placed us in the precarious position of either rebelling against the pastor or censoring out of our conversations with fellow believers in the church any mention of the convictions God had given to our family in this area. Perhaps God had finally gotten through my thick head, or maybe He had completed the refining process necessary to harden our convictions. Either way, we now had the peace of heart that God was permitting us to break away from our church home.</B></div> <div> <B>Because over the years God had blessed me with the opportunity of teaching and periodically having some degree of leadership in the church, we were "on the hot seat" so to speak on this issue. However, we were not alone in our convictions, and as we separated, several other families did also. We have now formed a new church fellowship and are meeting in the home of one of those families.</B></div> <div> <B>What are we to learn from all this?</B></div> <div> <B>The single greatest lesson we have learned from these circumstances is that God is sovereignly in control of the events and people that come into our lives. I confess that at times we had feelings of bitterness, hurt, and frustration over what seemed to us to be unjustified and severe reactions to our convictions. I realize now that ultimately our feelings were not directed at the people or the circumstances, but at God who providentially allows and even directs events to teach us and turn us according to His sovereign plan.</B></div> <div> <B>Second, we recognize the futility and unfairness of expecting others to accept quickly that which God spent several years teaching us. Often when God opens our eyes to understand some truth, we become excited and want to share that with others, expecting them to light up and say, "Of course, why didn't we see this before?!" Seldom will others share our enthusiasm, however, and we then must be cautious not to develop a superiority complex: "It's so clear. How can you not see it?" Remember, not so long ago, you didn't see it either.</B></div> <div> <B>Third, God used this experience, along with his perfect timing, to bring us to a point of decision right at the time when we were attending another seminar where we learned the scriptural principles of jurisdiction. When I understood that as the father, God gave me jurisdiction over my children, even in relation to church involvements, and that a church is overstepping its God-ordained jurisdiction when it pressures parents to involve their children in activities where they know negative influences are present, it became clear that God was leading us away from a situation that was potentially dangerous for our family. We also acknowledge that our children could be that negative influence, which is all the more reason for us to maintain supervision of them.</B></div> <div> <B>Finally, the conflicts we experienced drove us to Scripture with an intensity that casual study never had. In the overall scheme of "all things work together for good," how good this has been! It gave us the assurance that we were not acting on personal opinion, or even adopting a practice we identified with, but that our convictions were solidly based on the foundation of God's Word. It was this fact that enabled us not to waver when the pressures to conform intensified.</B></div> <div> <B>Were we able to go back and do things over again, we most certainly would do or say some things differently. However, I am thankful that at no time in this whole process were harsh words ever exchanged. To the credit of those who remained firm in their conviction in favor of a traditional church structure, words of difference were always spoken with a voice of kindness. For this we are very grateful.</B></div> <div> <B>As God may be leading you to make decisions regarding your family and your church, be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. God can still be honored in conflict, but He is not honored in contempt between brethren. Dads, while it is your duty to honor God even in conflict, you are not responsible for the reactions of others. It may be that the struggle will be intense. Stand firm, but stand humble. If there are hits to be taken, you take them, and glory in the privilege you have of being the God-ordained protector of your wife and children. If parting becomes necessary, do it like a Christian gentleman.</B></div> <div> <B>"May God grant us the courage to change the things we can change; the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; and the wisdom to know the difference."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The author and his wife homeschool their five children in New York State. In order to not single out any brethren who may be aware of the author's situation, he requested that his name be withheld. You may contact him through </B><B>Patriarch</B><B> if you wish.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Sign up for Patriarch Magazine</B></div> <div> <B>Suggested Donation: $25* per year.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Patriarch </B></div> <div> <B>PO Box 50 </B></div> <div> <B>Willis, VA 24380</B></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://Patriarch.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://Patriarch.com"><U><B><U>http://Patriarch.com</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="0d44d0c0.gif" border=0 width="589" height="12" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Papyrus" ><B>Back to Article Home Page-</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#0099FF" FACE="Papyrus" ><B> </B></FONT><A HREF="articles.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Offensive Articles"><U><B>Offensive Articles</B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>