MARINE HUMOR PAGE
Patton & St. Peter
Most of you know that Patton was a well known Army General. What you may not know is that Patton hated Marines. As a matter of fact, he hated Marines so much that when he died and went to Heaven, he had only one request of St. Peter before entering: "St. Peter" said Patton "I am very happy to have made it to heaven, but before I come in you must tell me if there are any Marines in Heaven. I'm sick of them. They were always outdoing my Army troops and making us look bad. They always got all the credit as the best fighting force on earth. Now I want to spend eternity in peace, without Marines!" St. Peter chuckled slightly and said, "Patton, you don't have to worry about that. Marines are too wild and crazy for Heaven. We can't have them here, they make too much noise and cause a lot of trouble." With that, Patton gave a sigh of relief and went on in to Heaven. He decided to take a tour around to see his new eternal home. Patton saw all the wondrous beauties and was smiling and whistling. Then he turned the corner onto Main Street and he saw it. He became furious and went running back to the gates of Heaven. "St. Peter!" cried Patton "You promised me there were no Marines in Heaven, but I was just on Main Street and I saw a Marine standing tall and proud in his Dress Blues and shiny shoes. Right there in front of my own eyes!" St. Peter chuckled to himself and said, "Patton, calm down, that's not a Marine, I told you we can't have them in Heaven. That's God, he just thinks he's a Marine."
"The FBI agrees that it's a very insulting suggestion, but they still refuse to send in a forensic fingerprint team." (Leatherneck Magazine)
WHAT IS A MARINE?
The USMC is over 219 years of romping, stomping, hell, death and destruction. The finest fighting machine the world has ever seen. We were born in a bomb crater, our mother was an M-16 and our father was the devil. Each moment that I live is an additional threat upon your life.
I am a rough looking, roving soldier of the sea. I am cocky, self-centered, overbearing, and I do not know the meaning of fear, for I am fear itself. I am a green, amphibious monster made of blood and guts who arose from the sea, festering on anti-Americans throughout the globe. Whenever it may arise, and when my time comes, I will die a glorious death on the battle field, giving my life to mom, the Corps, and the American flag.
We stole the eagle from the Air Force, the anchor from the Navy, and the rope from the Army. On the 7th day, while God rested, we overran his perimeter and stole the globe, and we've been running the show ever since.
We live like soldiers and talk like sailors and slap the hell out of both of them. Soldier by day, lover by night, drunkard by choice, MARINE BY GOD!!!
Proper Definition of Marine Rank
General
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Lieutenant Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding B.B.
Walks on water in indoor swimming pools.
Talks with God if special request chit is approved.
Major
Barely clears quonset huts.
Loses tug of war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Captain
Makes high marks when trying to leap building.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.
First Lieutenant
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is NOT issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of Mae West.
Talks to walls.
Second Lieutenant
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says: "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.
Sergeant (any)
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance. BECAUSE...
HE IS GOD!!!
'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Military Style
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all the the Corps
Not a sole had liberty,
the troops were all sore.
Yes, every Marine
every Marine in the lot
was lying on a rack of nails
called a Marine Corps Cot.
When out on the Parade Deck
I heard such a clatter,
I sprang from my cot
to see what the hell was the matter.
With bayonet in hand
I moved stealthily to the door
I cautiously waited to see
if there were more.
Yes, it was the Commandant of Marines
this there was no doubt
he was wearing his poncho
green side out.
He carefully moved from rack to rack
he cautiously inspected each rifle and pack
to a chosen few a 96 chit
but to the majority a ration of shit
As he pulled away in his gold plated tank
pulled by ten colonels all bucking for rank
I heard him say, and he said with a shot
Merry Christmas you fuckers you'll never get out.