The Ten Commandments at Milonga

One of the discoveries I have found from the strings of popular milongas I have frequented is that Milonga is a vehicle for mating-calls . It is also to my disappointment.

I suppose that there are a few people who dance for the sake of dance, particularly for the older folks.

Now I realize why Paulo, the tango teacher from Brazil, always stands on his soap box asking his students to find the bigger picture of Tango dancing. He always insists that dancing tango for any ulterior motives "lower" than the art of dancing is missing the point of the Tango.

At the milongas I have attended so far (such as the Parakultural's events, Niño Bien, La Nationale, La Estrella/ La Viruta, El Beso), which are mostly populated with dancers from 30 years old to early 50s, there were many skillful younger Argentine men whom I wanted to dance with. But unfortunately, other than rudely standing in front of them to invite them by staring at them, I have no other way to invite them, they tend to dance with other Argentine ladies.

I asked my good friend Ntt, her answer was simply that these men are hot commodities; they will be very choosy on their dance partners. Having been coming to milongas consistently once every week, and despite knowing a lot of these men, even Ntt would not get them to dance with her.

Quickly I learned that with my presence as a stranger in a milonga, there are three types of male dancers who would initiate dance invitations to me when I first arrived here:

The older Argentines who have less luck to dance with the young argentine ladies. With this category, there are plenty who boosted themselves as dance teachers praying on the innocent foreigners, alas, especially from Asia.

This country, much like most Latin countries, favours macho-ism. Women appear to be at the mercy of the male population. Among the female population, those from Asia may be perceived as the ultra submissive type.

I have danced with a dancer Mr. N at his 50s who claimed to be a show dance teacher. In more than one occasion, while we danced late in the morning when the crowd thinned down, he proceeded to teach me right on the milonga dance floor. Although I picked up his teaching in no time (although I thought his technique was poor anyway), I realized that he assumed that I was ignorant of the proper milonga etiquette, simply put, no teaching at Milongas.

The second group is the male foreigners, mostly because they are also suffering from the same problem that the local Argentine ladies do not dance with them. May be the ladies think that foreign male dancers are not good tango dancers. That reminds me of the salsa scene in the States; most Latinos think "White men can't salsa".

But I can attest that this theory is wrong. I find a lot of non-Argentines are excellent dancers, and most of them know a wider repertoire of steps and are equally musical. On the other hand, at Confiteria Ideal, I have danced with the older typical Argentine milongueros. They have danced tango ages as a way of life but do not neccessarily learn it analytically like the younger generations. As the result, some of them are not interested to find out if the ladies are comfortable or not, on axis or not, their style tends to press the woman down on her back to the point of potentially injuring her back. So, "made in Argentina" may not automatically priviledge one as a good tango dancer; we all have to learn it humbly.

The third type composes the kids from college, who are young and experimental, and would like to defy all established rules in the milonga scene.

Despite of what I learned from the States, I realize that there are another 10 commandments in the code of tango here....

1. Try to dress nice and hip for the milonga, as many places patronized by the younger dancers are more casual than what we have been lectured on in the States by the traditional tango teachers.

Many ladies wear pants, men rarely wear jackets, and some may show up in T-shirts. Some kids wearing jeans and jazz dance shoes.

I suppose that there are extremely conservative places where all men are required to wear jackets with their dog leashes called ties. So far I have not been to these places yet.

The point being, the ladies are to dress as hot and entising as they can be in order to be invited. For the milongas for the 30s and 40s, more skin they show, the better. Hence there are hip huggers (skirts or pants with belt line below their bellies), short tight skirts which I swear they are paint-on, and there are bare backs which remind me of the exotic attires only to be found in the Salsa dance scene

2. Never assume milongas are safe places; may not be safe to your wallet and to your health.

There are many patrons weaving through in a milonga, and many of them are in desperate financial state. The safety and trust level by which we are used to, in short, by placing valueable on or under our table, no longer applies here. Anything can be easily made disappeared and the person who did it may appear to be your friend.

The idea of non-smoking is unheard of here. We all return home as smoke sardines in the morning.

3. Never show up in a milonga with a man alone unless you want to send the signal that you don't want to dance with anyone else.

For that rule, I would recommend milonga to provide 2 entrances; one at the front door, the other at the back door. Furthermore, they should consider selling some buttons like Hard Rock Café selling T-shirts by the doorway. The button should read, "He is not my date, please ask me to dance".

4. Never allow the man to buy you a drink. It embeds a certain message.

I find it ridiculously contradicting to the macho mentality of Latin culture where the men love to show off their wealth and ability in offering protection.

One time at La Nacional after a set of dancing with a man called Mr. J, he invited me to sit down and he proceeded to offer a drink for me. I wanted water; he insisted to pay. Not far along the usual casual conversation about his work, he started to ask,

"Are you married?
I raised my 10 naked fingers.
"Are you divorced?"
I raised my 10 naked fingers.
"Do you have children"
"Not that I am aware of."
"Do you have sex..."
I don't remember the rest of the question because I was about to spit out the water I was drinking at that time. "Not that I came here for" was the best answer I could muscled up at that time without choking myself.
A few days later, I danced with the same Mr. J. In the dance floor, I said,
"Please allow me to buy you a drink next time at La Nationale"
"It is ok..., you don't have owe me anything, just a kiss here"
<air-kiss>
"That is nice. Say, how about some dinner?"
<a spinning yellow light with a shreiking siren started to pop up in my head>
"Sorry J, I am busy"
"Yeah, you don't know what that would cost you."....
That leads to the next commandment:

5. Never allow a man to invite you to dinner unless you are one million percent sure that he has no other intention.

Even you two go out, and decide to attend a dance afterwards, follow commandment number 3: either ask him to go through the back door or buy one of those buttons.

For the same reason, never allow a man to invite you to breakfast even though you could be starving after long hours of dancing.

6. Never sit with a man alone in the same table.

Remember to buy one of those buttons if all fail.

7. Men like to see ladies sitting alone.

Despite that she is warming the chair and feeling bored, she has to pick a seat up front by the dance floor, sit up straight, put up with a million dollar smile and look positive. Her job is to look irresistible to be invited, even if that means it will happen 2 light years down the road. One Saturday I went to El Beso, as that is known as the only place for single people (Saturdays are coupled nights), I sat almost half the night uninvited. I glanced across the dance floor, I noticed another older Argentine lady, at her early 50s, sitting almost the entire night.

8. Men do not mind ladies sitting with other ladies.

This may be the exception only if the man wants to invite only one lady among the whole troop of women, who all looking at him asking to be invited. When he approaches her, the whole troop of women could possibly stand up, each thinking that he is inviting her.

9. Always wear your contacts or glasses when you are sitting down from a dance.

That is the most crucial moment for one to use his/her eyes to stare each other down for that famous ritual of dance invitation, even at the risk that one would develop crossed-eye syndrome after years of such practice.

I eventually gave up and ended up inviting my foreigner friends; it was much faster and thus much more efficient. Gene, a lovely dancer from Vermont, genuflected to me, "I am glad that we are dancing, because those (Argentine) ladies never want to catch my eyes. Now I can say I get some dances out of this milonga".

10. Never be seen leaving a Milonga with a man even she might risk being robbed at the milonga's doorway.

Benefited from practicing "eyeing each other for dance invitation", people tend to develop powerful eyesight that can capture photographic memory on whom one is leaving with. Leaving in such condition implies there are on-going affair between the couples, with the deadly potential that the lady might not be invited to dance by others in the future.

If I travel with a group of tango dancers to Argentina, I might not have noticed all of these phenomenons. On the other hand, I think I would be getting more dance invitations from the people within the group.

There is always a price to pay by traveling alone, in exchange for the freedom. <