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I've never actually written up what's happened in my life, my misadventures are often told in person with a myriad of voices to match the personalities. And I write the way I speak, or in the Classic "Radio Script/V.O. (Voice Over) Format." So I will apologize for my spelling and grammar, for those of you used to such things.
I should explain who I am first a bit and the silliness may ensue soon afterwards.
I'm the very odd one in the family. A long line of Priests and a long Line of Samurai before that. Dad broke away with being a Scientist. Mom used to be a Translator/Director at NHK: The Japanese Version of Public TV. And I'm generally considered the Isei/Nisei of the Family. Mom and Dad were the first to live in the U.S. There for Nisei. Isei because I'm the first one born in the US. And oddly, as a Texan. Yes, I had a Texas Accent. Took me about four years to get rid of it. But don'cha'll worry nun. Takes a whole hoot to get me back to ride'n hard and scoot'a boot. Yup.
Ok. So an Actor. I have to admit I can't explain it myself. Oddly, I looked on it as a challenge of sorts. It was something that no one else in the family was doing. And as the only Asian in a Midwestern, somewhat redneck area I had to be creative. Not to mention being a….
Ok ok…that's neither here nor there.
I do have to mention that I am a "Working Actor." Oddly enough that means that I'm not working most of the time anyway. Such is the life in Hollywood. I do have a BA degree in Communications Broadcasting: TV, Radio and Film, with a minor in Theater Arts: Acting. What does this mean? My back-up job is just as difficult to get and find as my "career" is.
So. Relating stories about Hollywood. I'll be the first to admit; I'm rather biased. And I am telling stories out of sequence. I'm not starting with the very first "Acting" job I had or how I got started. That may be later, when I remember.
The old phrase goes, "Actors are the greatest liars." I admit that I am a comedian/storyteller and an actor. Most all of the stories are true. The names are changed or unmentioned to protect the innocent. I will be the first to admit these are fun stories, and if most of what I mention ever gets out the other phrase is "You'll never do lunch in this town again" comes to mind. So just look upon these as "Stories." At least I can keep my residuals.
Where to begin. The last thing mentioned in File 770 was a bunch of "promos" for "Crocodile Hunter" on Animal Planet. If you caught me, I was flubbering words out to a Green, Fuzzy, Alligator puppet. People thought it was great. However the odd news. I caught it. And it's an outtake.
It was two days of work in Oxnard, CA. I live around Burbank. Needless to say, a rather long drive. Although it was just as the SAG/AFTRA commercial strike was getting underway, doing this promo was fine with SAG and AFTRA because the company signed the interim agreement. Much to the great financial relief of the actor. Yay.
I waited for a script on Monday, with the shooting scheduled on Tuesday. I got nothing, so I called in and checked: apparently they were still writing the script. Talking about "while the ink was still wet"isn't even the half of it.
Don't get me wrong. The Co/Director and crew were all professionals.
Instead of getting a copy of a script at around 6 p.m. I get it at 9 p.m. And it's three pages -- only a paragraph or so each. Now it's a mad rush and a few hours of sleep to get this down.
And being Japanese, and usually this is so, I go early to the location.
There were also three ladies with speaking parts. Now the first thing they were asked as a group was, "Are you afraid of snakes, can you handle snakes?" Of course, the answer is yes. You see, in Hollywood if you are asked can you fence, can you ride a horse, etc. you say yes. If someone asks if you are a god you say YES. Well, all three ladies said yes.
Then the pythons came out.
First thing was the tall skinny blond who was trying to figure out what was so terrible about pythons. Well if they don't like you no problem. If they really like you and they give you a hug….kiss your lower ribs goodbye..
Oh, no problem. I don't have any.
Blink…blink…
And it suddenly dawned on us guys. We've heard the legends but we never thought we'd actually meet one. Legend has it that some women have their lower ribs removed so they can fit into tighter dresses. It's a Hollywood thing.
When they brought out the four foot albino python, most of us were outside the classroom watching the "replay" monitor, without no sound. After the shooting was over, the blond came straight out, started on a cigarette and filled us in on what was said.
On screen we saw the python on both shoulders. She was rather stiff. She was scared, and as soon as the python was on her shoulders the python's head was moving and eventually was entirely on one shoulder when this conversation finished.
Director: Okay..get ready.
Blond: Wait, can we do something.
Director: What
Blond: Film me being scared..
Director: And then?
Blond: Film me being scared..
Director: And then?
Blond (Shaky) Film me being scarrredd…
Director: Okay. Then let's do that and we'll add to that. Roll 'em.
As the film was rolling, the snake fell off her left shoulder and she jumped. Those of us watching went, "Ouch, that must hurt the python. Wait, she looks scared…" (Lightbulb over our heads.)
Now there was a brunette there also. Not to put too fine a point…she was five foot..and exceedingly skinny. Yes she was scared. However, her python wanted to see what size bra she was wearing. And "his" head started to nudge inside of her shirt. All we see for a few seconds is her treating it like a guy. Looking down and slapping its head, saying, "Hey, get out of there!"
Just like it was a guy…hmm go figure.
Now Beth, the third lady, she's from Michigan. Beth is a self-proclaimed farm girl. African American…who is doing the "Hispanic" Rosie Perez Voice. She also speaks eight languages. She's outgunned me by at least five. And she surprised me. She speaks practically perfect Japanese.
She starts off fine. "You..know, you're a grumpy little snake." However, by the fifth take, the python is now head level and staring at her. Every take her voice was getting shakier and shakier, and still with the Accent.
Ahhh, the things you do in Hollywood.
As I mentioned in an earlier File 770, we had the "Lubriderm" Crocodile as well as the pythons.
A huge Ford pickup with a truck cover holds the Croc and the pythons. All I remember is it was parking near the food tables. And the handler is reading a paper in the truck. There is this tremendous….uh..well for lack of a better term "Burp." A Crocodile Burp…and the truck shakes ever so slightly..
Without missing a beat the Handler drops the paper..and does the fist thumping chest bit, says, "Excuse me."
And goes back to reading the paper.
++ Tadao Tomomatsu
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