FILE 770 #141                                                    MARCH 2002   21

Maybe I don't really need a good excuse why File 770 didn't come out on time: this fanzine has not claimed to be on a regular schedule since 1979. But it lulls the subscribers if they believe I'm overcoming all odds to get the news to them. And the current world crisis makes an ironclad excuse.
     The US Postal Service is doing its part to make us all more secure by teaching us to beware of what's in our mailboxes. They've published a flyer that begins with the elementary question:
     What should make me suspect a piece of mail? Well really, these days, anything fannish that comes via snail-mail is a deviation from the norm. I get almost everything in 5-megabyte PDF files, or else in e-mails with subject headers like "Do you know where your worldcon is?" (Actually, mine was over five years ago...) Still, for greater security I'm starting to apply these tests to the rare examples of paper fanac that arrive in the mail.
     It's unexpected (Nothing could be more unexpected than those quarterly envelopes containing  three issues of the Ottawa clubzine. Wouldn't it be less suspicious if OSFS mailed their monthly zine, well, monthly? ) or from someone you don't know. (Do I know E. B. Frohvet or not? 'Til I'm sure, issues of Twink can't cross our threshold under this new security regime.)
     It's addressed to someone no longer at your address. Harlan Ellison phoned last month to ask why the latest issue of the Harlan Ellison Recording Collection had come back from my 5828 Woodman address. Perhaps because I moved from there in March 1995? Of course, with these crossed-out addresses the remailed copy is no longer secure. Pity. Harlan's catalog is so well-written. I hope the bomb squad gets a chance to read it…
     It's handwritten and has no return address or bears one that you can't confirm is legitimate.  The Bruce Pelz I know lives in Granada Hills, so why do I keep getting postcards from him mailed in Jordan, New Zealand, Africa - every blessed spot on the globe except Granada Hills? Even a stolen garden gnome doesn't cover territory that fast. Out goes the mail from "Pelz"…
     It's lopsided or lumpy in appearance. That huge envelope from New Orleans might hold an issue of Challenger, but why take the chance?
     It's sealed with excessive amounts of tape. Too bad those have to go. The last heavily-taped envelope from Martin Morse Wooster contained The Women's Quarterly theme issue, "Is Manhood Really Back in Fashion?" (The answer was: No…)
     It's marked with restrictive endorsements such as "Personal" or "Confidential." No actual letters in this category, but all my e-mail from Nigeria begins this way…
     It has excessive postage. That's only suspicious in the mundane world. In fandom, if mail arrives with the correct postage it's either a miracle -- or a conspiracy. So everything else that makes it through my screening process still needs to be discarded.
     As a result, I'm turning over all my fannish mail to LAFD hazmat teams. So it's been really difficult to get any news for an issue. That's why I'm late. Oh, and we got a baby, too.