The continuation of Daniel's birth
Daniel's profile. The air was shrinking his nose, hands, feet, etc. It was like a natural mummification process.
What a beautiful face!
1:20 AM November 13. I was in very bad pain. CX very strong. I went downstairs. Had another small BM. Needing to work through cx. I decided to stay up and moving because I was so uncomfortable laying down. Thank God I had many things to occupy me for three hours. Things were so intense I couldn't do this by my own physical self anymore. I called my doula and she arrived at 4:30 AM. How glad I was to see her face. She helped me so much. Just having her to listen to me. My husband didn't even wake up when I was moaning so deeply. I was having really good bloody show with some clotting. Things, I thought, had to be moving on. My body got very tired around 6:30 AM. I have not had much of any sleep for the past two days. Four hours the previous day and 2.5 that night. So I literally started to labor down and felt very tired. I got two hours of sleep. Only to wake up by strong cx again.
Within half an hour of being awake they were getting extremely strong and uncomfortable again. I just didn't know how much more I could take. Finally I decided to go to the hospital and arrived at 1:30 PM. By this time I really felt I couldn't even walk. I was in so much pain. This was very hard labor. Finally in triage I was checked at 2:30 PM. No dilation. My heart sank. Immediately I thought my body had failed me again. But reason set in. I fought to avoid the cytotech and go with a p-gel. The doc finally agreed, even though he wanted me to prep for a D&E.
I get into our room at 3:30 PM. I have to go to the bathroom. I am hurting so bad. I have good mucous and show. I call the nurse. She makes a note. I get on the bed. What a very neat bed. It can be fitted into a seat. I labor hard. I feel a pop. The next cx my water breaks violently. It squirted out like a hose and arcs into the air. There is a lot of dead blood in it. My doctor isn't available so a Midwife comes in to check me. I am completely effaced and one centimeter, the baby is on my cervix. The baby's head is presenting. Sometime during all this labor the baby had moved head down because on the ultrasound the feet were presenting first. My heart rejoices. I refuse any pain meds. I don't want to slow this wonderful progression down even though I was scared. I have to deep moan now. The cx are one on top of the other and triple peaking. I have my husband call my Mom and she arrives within a half hour of the call. Soon I feel I need to go to the bathroom again. I sit there for a while. A lady struggles to get my blood work. I am in so much pain but manage to keep my body completely relaxed. She is finally finished. I want up.
I request a birthing ball. I get to roll my hips into it as I cx and moan. It felt so much better. I feel something happening in my cervix. I wait for another cx. Again but more intense. I get up and go to the bathroom. The nurse was so wonderful and she says we don't need the doctor ok? I was fine with that. I get on the toilet. I have another triple peaker and feel the urge to bear down. My baby is born. Into the little catch bowl in the toilet. It happened so fast. I yell for the nurse. I am trying to look between my legs. But I don't see the baby just lots of blood and clots. She comes, she had to hang up on the Chaplan. The baby is connected and hanging from the cord. She cuts the cord for me. She takes the bowl out, but I see my baby quickly floating in the blood. It is bent around but I see the complete baby. I loose it emotionally and grab for someone......it ended up being my Mom. They want me on the bed, since the placenta still didn't come out. I was crampy but felt like cx wanted to start. I was bleeding heavily. Doc wants to do D&C to get placenta out. I was ok with that because I could feel the blood and was passing clots. OR was readied. I was able to hold the baby. During this time I had about two more cx. Everyone but my family was gone. I birthed the placenta. I felt so much better all of a sudden. The nurse and doc come in and I tell the doctor. He was shocked. I was happy. My body did this completely on it's own. Then he examines me It really hurts. Pit is ran and I feel that working very quickly. OR is canceled. I get to bond with my baby for hours. My brother and SIL were able to come and see the baby as well. It was nice for me to see them as well. I got a good meal before leaving. I felt bad eating after what I just went through but I had Katie who depended on me. Even though my heart aches the birth was a wonderful experience.
My baby was born at 4:46 PM. The placenta was birthed at 5 PM. My baby was so perfect. He was 5.5" long, weighed 1.7 ounces. He had little fingernails and toenails. His hands and feet were so beautiful. A very cute little hiney. Beautiful tiny nose. Granted some decomposition had started, and the molding from the birth......the baby was so perfect......yet so small.......it was breathtaking. What love I feel for my little one. My arms are empty and my heart does ache. But I feel a rejoice in the Lord. He kept me strong and level headed even in great pain. I stood firm in what I wanted and was greatly respected. I was given some things in a remembrance box. Tiny footprints and handprints, cards, his tiny blanket....even a tiny nighty that I refused for his pictures. I wanted his body just as it was.....not clothes to cover his perfect little body. We left at 8:30 PM. So I had all that time to bond. I refused any type of invasive testing on his body. But from what the nurse discovered is pathology at least has to do a look over and then I get my baby back. We are planning on burying him in the mountains. It is a beautiful place in a valley. In April, when this baby was due, we will plant a tree or bush in remembrance.
Every few minutes I see my baby. I start to relive the birth. There is nothing I would have done different. In that intense pain I know I would never have thought to have caught the baby and I am sure he may have been lost in the toilet. I had a very good Christian nurse who meant a lot to me. My doula was incredible. My husband in my view. Emotional but I could feel his love and concern. He was able to get my anything I asked for. My Mom coming soon before the birth.
It was so special to hold this baby....whole.....complete....beautiful. I was able to give him his rightful birth. Even though his soul is in heaven I know he was watching down. He has known how much I wanted him.....long before conception. I just have to say Thank you God for all the support I had, for the strength you gave me in the face of such a rough time, for letting me hold this precious miracle you let grow for these weeks within my womb, thank you for restoring belief in my body, for not letting any complications happen to me and for keeping me here another day to be with my family.
Daniel I love you and I can't wait until I get you back to hold one last time. I will feel more rested once I know you are in your final resting place.
This was written on Sunday November 14, 2004 -- roughly 7 AM.
This is a poem I had gotten from a post a while back. Not sure of the author or the title. It is about baby's Passing on.
~I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him say... A Mother has a baby this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women
babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and
others for a day. Some I send to feel in your womb but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God I want my baby here. He took a breath and
cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your
child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and
say..
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved
me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me. I learned my lesson quickly and my Mommy set me free."
I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.
So you see my dear sweet one, your children are ok. Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your
lesson there is through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the
gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the
love you had so much of, right from the very start. Though some on earth may
not realize until their time is done. Remember all the love you have and know
you are a special Mom.
Final goodbye before leaving hospital.
The placenta.