Katelyn Helena Fay Herr
February 2, 2001
8:52 PM
Ephrata Community Hospital
8 lbs. 10 oz., 21" long, 14" head circ.
Katelyn~chosen after my Mother (Kathleen)
Helena~chosen after my Great Grandmother (Helen)
Fay~chosen after my Grandmother (Fay)
Your birth has taught me so much.
Birth is a powerful and beautiful thing that will forever change lives!
My first moments with Katelyn.
11:54 PM She is three hours old.
I am so glad to try and nurse her.
I am so glad that my Mother and Husband were there for her first hours.
I am so glad my Mom remembered to rub her vernix in.....thanks Mom :)
For the longest time I wanted to take pictures off of our VHS to show others the acynclitic molding my daughter had. I dialated rapidly for the first few hours. Discrepancies in vaginal exams: OB 4cm and cervical swelling.....nurse loose 5 cm. Pitocin Induction. Back labor. Before AROM and pit: Baby was engaged, cervix 2 cm by all other checks but OB said 1 cm, 100% effaced. Water broken after OB held me down and demanded I listen to her and that she knew best. Water broke to place fetal scalp monitor before pitocin started. I had to keep refusing the c/s. Once I consented I then laid for two hours awaiting the c/s, unmedicated and shaved, cathed and contracting on my own in the 80's. She was born exactly 12 hrs and 12 minutes after AROM. For weeks after her birth I had pain in my sacrum/tailbone...I believe it was bruised. My daughter also had indented jaw at birth due to positioning. Had eight weeks of breastfeeding problems until her jaw realigned itself.
Ma-Maw is giving Katie her first hair do ;) Boy what a head of hair!
For me the Old Wives Tale of heartburn was TRUE!
Incision 2/8/2001.
Hubby measured it to be 9" long.
He counted 11 staples.
My own birthing experience has lead me to become a doula.
During those first few minutes of bonding with my baby.......I say these words, "She was too big and my pelvis was too small."......I shudder when I hear that.
Because I know within my deepest being I can birth. I had dreamt of her birth, that it would be during a blizzard. The night before we came home from the hospital we had a snow storm and it was classified a blizzard. That I believe would have been her birth day. That night I could not rest.....my milk came in. I hobbled to the nurses station and asked if there was a cesarean support group. The unsympathetic answer was "No." Please understand that I do believe there are necessary cesareans. I am very glad for technology. I went against my core instincts because I was scared by my homebirth midwives that my baby would get stuck in the birth canal. I now understand they have to be more selective in their patients and because of this may become overly cautious. I forgive all that was involved. Even though I live in daily physical pain (had two surgeries to "correct" problems) I never regret the birth of my daughter. I knew what I was doing, and I knew that I was going to fail. I pray that I will be able to experience a peaceful birth where I am not pressured and can savor every moment. I really wish I would have had immediate bonding with my daughter. She had 9-10 apgars. I, however, got sick on the OR table, vomitting and blood pressure plummeted. I was fine in the recovery but noone was there. No matter my dear I have bonded with her so well ever since. I feel so bad for the women who have bonding issues....many times related to their birth experiences. My heart goes out to all birthing Mothers who feel failure. We are not failures if we learn and do better next time. This I believe is what life is all about.
Enough rambling from me. This has been something I wanted to do for so long but have feared I might not be able to handle the emotions. Unbelievably I feel so much relief and closure. Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my words and remain unjudgemental. We each envision our births a certain way......and not everyone would feel dissapointment over the same things. Good day/night :)
Katie (18 wks) and Puss Puss
Christmas 2004
Katie & Great Great Grandma
Halloween 2003
June 2004
I love you Katelyn. I am so glad that I am your Mother. Each day with you is such a blessing. As you learn, so do I. This is an incredible journey. 7/23/04
Your sweet gestures concerning your baby brother in heaven has touched my heart so deeply. Your like a little Momma. So full of love and compassion. Sometimes I worry I might affect you negatively by so freely mourning. Somehow I know this will help you in your life. Your a special sister to two angel babies now. I long for an earth sibling for you to play and grow with. Your fourth Birthday is right around the corner and my heart feels heavy. I want to give you that gift more than anything else. I know you get lonely. Your my special gift Katelyn. My dear, sweet, intelligent, beautiful, little gir. I love to hear you say Momma. Watching you grow these past four years has been wonderful. 1/16/05
WARNING GRAPHICRead here about the tragic loss of our son at 17wks 5days gestation.