Daniel (Hebrew) meaning God's judgement
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Born November 13, 2004 at 4:46 PM
5.5" long, 1.7 ounces
We admire and mourn...your beauty is amazing.
Daddy and I mourn our loss.
The first time I held you.
My Precious Baby's Passing 11/12/04
How I loved you before you were even conceived. The sheer thought of becoming a Mother again meant so much to me. I was so elated when I got that positive HPT. How I fantasized about your birth. Oh sweet baby -- those flutters I felt. Daddy was lucky to feel them twice.
Something inside me kept telling me I needed to be seen by a doctor. Finally after bad pains and several days of spotting I went to the ER. I find out that your HCG level is only 300. They tell me my baby is dying. My heart is broken. I beg the doctor to try to find a heart rate with a doppler. Nothing.
The ultrasound pictures I cannot get out of my mind. Especially the one with your precious little arms bent up and your hands at your face. How perfect you looked but no heart rate can be found. Your soul passed three weeks prior.
I feel I did something to cause this. But I know it is normal to feel this way. How am I going to get through this? I so dreamed of holding you in my arms and nursing you. God my heart aches! I want to scream.
Now I face the thought of them suctioning and ripping out your tiny body from mine. You looked so peaceful on that ultrasound. You are my baby! I don't want your remains treated like medical waste. Dear sweet precious babe of mine. I want to give birth to you. To hold you whole in my hands. To look at your sweet face one more time.
God must think I am very strong to give me so much in my life. I know there is a purpose to everything in life. It is hard to keep my mind set on the positive. I know you are in heaven. A much better place, full of more love than I could ever have given you. It doesn't make my heart ache any less. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Katelyn loves you too. She was so looking forward to when she could feel you kicking. She watched the birth video with me and looked at many pictures. She has been playing with her baby dolls a lot lately. She cried too when they told us the sad news.
Daddy was so looking forward to your arrival too. He is sad as well. MaMaw wept deeply when she heard the news. She came to the hospital and saw you on the ultrasound. Aunt Lizzie came to the hospital as soon as she could.
Uncle Charlie cried when he heard the news. Poppy left work and came here before I went to the hospital to talk about an induction.
Oh my sweet little baby. How I longed for your birth. My heart will ache for a long time and I will never forget you. No matter how long your stay was. You were my baby. My sweet precious baby.
Forever in eternal love for you,
~Mother
It has been a couple hours after your birth. I just cannot stop looking at you.
Aunt Liz and Uncle Charlie hold you.
We rejoice that your birth happened naturally.
Your Grandma holds you.
I am amazed at your perfect little hands and feet.
My son's (Daniel) Birth Story
I wanted to share with you his birth. It was amazing in the fact that my body did this on it's own. I relied so heavily on God. It in the end helped restore so much belief in my body that I had lost with Katelyn's birth. Even though I walk around feeling this great emptiness..I keep reliving the intensity of it all. I can see my baby every single time I close my eyes. So sweet.......so precious......so perfect. It is a miracle. All babies are precious and a gift from God. Here is his story:
The spotting started 6:20 AM on Wednesday Novemeber 10. I know by the 11th week I started to feel fluttering and it was getting stronger. I recall having great flutters on the day of my best friend's twins birthday party. this was Oct. 17th. I also recall feeling very off, and very tired on October 20th at a play group. I had been very sick on Sept. 30, and it lasted well into the 13th week. We are thinking this may have been what ended his life.
I was contracting on Thursday Novemember 11. I labored from that time on until he was born on Saturday afternoon. Contractions were bearable the first night. But I knew something wasn't right. This shouldn't be happening in the seventeenth week. I called my doula and best friend. Asking if she could bring her fetascope so we can try to get a HR. We really couldn't find one. We faintly heard one, that we were hoping might be the baby, but weren't totally sure.
I awoke with really bad contractions on November 12. It was a bit after 4 AM.
I went downstairs to the bathroom. I cried, I begged God, I knew I had to go to the ER. This was the day I found my baby had passed. I cannot put into words what this did to me inside. To think I was carrying this baby around for three weeks. Even after hearing that the baby was no longer alive I swore to the doctor I felt a movement. He was very nice and searched with a doppler for a heart beat. Nothing. The ultrasound showed the same. I also met with a doctor at our local birthing hospital to talk about my options. Later that night after he consulted with another doctor.......she called. She was telling me D&E best option, but head may lacerate my cervix because of the size and bony structure. I still want induction before anything else. Cx still coming frequent and vary in intensity. I was starved all day and finally very late was able to finally eat and drink. I believe this help reenergize my body. I also want to note my body was doing natural cleansing.....by that I mean several small and soft BMs passed this day. CONTINUE HERE
I was 17 weeks and 5 days along when Daniel was born.
The mornings seem worst for me. I wake up and realize I am not pregnant anymore. I have to re-absorb everything all over again. I look forward to the day when my heart won't ache so much. I am glad I have the Lord to lean on. I know God understands for he loses his children every day. I take comfort knowing my little one is in heaven....perfect.....happy....loved so much. I know Daniel is watching me down from heaven. I also know my baby I lost in early December 2003 is watching down on me too. That was a five week miscarriage. Hard in itself, but this is harder because I was further along and I had felt the baby move. I pray God continues to have mercy on me. 11/15/04
Read more about Daniel's birth and see more pictures of our precious baby. Click Here